Seeing the goodness in a Miscarriage

I write this while thinking of friends who have reached out to me, because they either were or currently are experiencing a miscarriage. They reach out because I have learned to openly share that David and I also went through a miscarriage soon after we got married.

We got married in April of 2021, by June of the same year (two months later) we experienced a miscarriage. As I this a few things come to mind:

-the thoughts and hearings I experienced during that time

-the importance of me saying we.

-the support system and lack-of I experienced

-the goodness that resulted in all of it.

I remember having dreams throughout the two months that it was going to be a boy. David and I were sooo excited. He came home one day and said, you’re pregnant?! I asked him why he would say that, and he told me God had put it on his heart. I had been getting those thoughts as well, but I wanted to wait and be sure…. That afternoon we bought a test and sure enough the results came back positive! We were sooo excited. Ectastic really! A few weeks went by, and during this time a church friend also found out they were pregnant and we were so excited to share the news knowing we were going through the same process!! Sharing tips and knowledge, David and I quickly got the information we needed in what we thought we needed for this pregnancy.

I wanted a home birth, so we found a doula. At the time we lived in a little studio in Wainiha Kauai, which if you have ever been to Kauai, Hawaii, you’d know is 45 mins from the hospital without traffic. We started to see our chosen midwife and started figuring out finances for what visits and a home birth would be.

I remember driving home one day with David, and the name Nehemiah came to mind. We started talking about names and possible ones for a boy, and that was the name we both knew would be his, if he was a boy.

End of may came around, and mind you not covid was in full force still in Hawaii during this time. The let’s get vaccinated vs. let’s absolutely not get vaccinated debates were taking place. Our church seemed politically divided. And if it wasn’t political in Hawaii, if you weren’t getting vaccinated you were seen as the LITERAL DEVIL out to kill the Kapuna (the elders). We also were planning on a family wedding, since David and I got married alone, intimately, since we were in shut down, and both our families wanted to have a wedding that would give us the ability to celebrate our wedding as one. What can I say, David and I were burning with passion, and we wanted to do it right in God’s eyes!

So… end of may, a check-up comes up with our midwife *Alister (name is changed, small island) because I had started spotting and wasn’t sure what that meant. I mean this was our first pregnancy, and I honestly cannot remember doing research at the time to know what it meant, but if I did I am incredibly sure it was grim, as most health research goes on google for any symptom. So we just wanted to meet with midwife and when we did, we discovered that my numbers from a blood test we indicated that they were indeed too low for baby to grow. But we were hopeful, we prayed and hoped that it was just a mistake and the spotting would go away.

Except… bleeding persisted, and got increasingly more. I remember God placing peace upon me instead of fear, like OVERWHELMINGLY, to the point where I was still trying to persuade myself that it was still hope in the situation instead of understanding it with His Truth. Denial, at its’ finest.

So my family flew in town two weeks before for the wedding that was going to take place on June 5th. But during that time, I’m going through all of this. David and I had to share the news, and turn what was suppose to be a happy even into a sad one, but I have to say… God made a way for us to be strong through it all, like supernaturally. I remember two days before the wedding I was passing away baby Nehemiah, and was basically bedridden. The family was out enjoying the island. David being an amazing tour guide took them to beaches, and waterfalls, and I remember feeling sad, alone, and really sad. I was actually in a lot of pain too. Not to get too graphic, but it got so painful at one point, we had to seriously consider going to the hospital for a C&C because I was bleeding too much and we actually did get checked to see if the procedure was indeed needed. Turned out, that no, but we saw the hole where baby was, and that was heartbreaking.

I remember laying there, crying, and we were staying at a family friends home, and I had brought my bible. Through the tears, I could see my bible and it was calling to me. Like every thought was pick me up, pick me up and read me. So I did. I opened it randomly and started reading. I couldn’t tell you exactly which verse or book I fell upon but I remember the verse specifically said something along the lines of:

“In all things, rejoice.” And my next thought was really? I mean REALLY?!

Anger rose up in my heart, and I cried out to God and said “Really?! You want me to rejoice, even in THIS?!”

The next moment which felt timeless, was peaceful and calm and a thought rose up in me in response: “yes, you are going through this with Me. You are not alone.”

And I kid you not, joy truly did enter my heart at this realization. I felt grateful. Grateful that I was going through this with God. God had made a way for my family to even be here and support me in KAUAI, Hawaii! DURING COVID shut downs! I even was able to celebrate death with life, with our wedding in two days. And I had a name for the baby I carried.

I wish the testimony ends here, but I would only be sharing half of it. The next moments after this breakthrough in goodness, the real storm hit.

Thoughts tried to come flooding in:

You weren’t woman enough to carry this child.

You are pathetic.

People think you are weak, and not womanly.

God is punishing you.

You weren’t meant to be a mother.

What were you thinking? Your friend is pregnant and you couldn’t even go through your pregnancy

You are victim in all of this, people don’t understand

You’re family is out gallivanting and you have to be at home hurt and in pain!

Why me?

You weren’t even pregnant for that long.

It wasn’t even a real baby

Why would a good God allow this to happen to you!?

You don’t deserve this!

I am angry with God

Etc…etc…etc..

You name it, I probably had the thoughts. I praise God for two things: (well many, but at this very moment, two specific) 1. That direct thought that He was with me and 2. That I took a few months before FIC course (freedom in Christ). I held on to both, like my life depended on it.

The one thing FIC course taught me is that not ALL thoughts are your own. The enemy (satan, and yes he is very real) will plant thoughts in your mind as if they were your own at times and you have a choice to either bind & rebuke it, or agree with it and make it your perceived truth.

Every thought on that list and beyond, if it didn’t line up with who I knew God to be: A GOOD GOD, I prayed God would bind it and rebuke it and send it back where it came from. I also prayed He would CURSE the one who gave them to me and would replace it with His Truth. I trusted God, and my relationship with Him was stronger than a miscarriage. I knew He would use all things for good, because He told me in His word He would, and I know that He cannot lie. A promise from God withstands reality. My faith is beyond reality. My faith in who He says He is, is my reality.

The more I did that, the easier it got, and the freedom I experienced was beyond. It was so much so, that during this time, a girl was even used by the enemy to try and literally sabotage David and I’s family wedding. Would send me text messages like: “look you can’t even get pregnant correctly! The baby hated you so much it decided to die in you!” And apparently there were more, but God had a way for David to delete them before I could even know they existed on my wedding day!

That, That is how I found goodness in my miscarriage.

And yet, the testimony keeps going.

I have the ability to share with others, and in particular with other sisters in Christ who are going through the same or similar events and how to keep focused on Jesus. God has even taught me the kindness in being able to love on woman who experience loss from not only miscarriages, but also abortions and how the loss of a child is painful and a loss we must accept and grow from.

That a child, no matter how early in the stages of pregnancy is very much a child. One that is loved beyond measure, and brings a new type of joy into your hearts. And that a man experiences the loss of the child in ways, we (woman) might not even realize could be possible.

Miscarriages can be tough, but God has a way for you to have strength in all of it, and yes, even bring you Joy where you thought it was impossible.